The things that happen to me in my life are fascinating. I'm looking forward to my life being fascinating to me and others because I'm building on that. Meanwhile, the things that happen to me boggle my mind sometimes. The same things happen to other women, but I just find it ironic that my life is one huge irony. Ironically, I had to teach irony to my 9th grade class last year. Crazy? I know.

One irony for me is pretty simple. I love shoes. Most women love shoes, and there are plenty of sistas that will buy the flyest shoes instead of making sure that light bill is paid. Plenty of sacrifices are made in the name of fashion all the time. I just can't make the sacrifice of walking around in stilettos, fiyah boots, or even cute little sneakers. I got some flat, wide feet that just ain't made for stilettos and most of what I find adorable or sexy. So, I have to deal with what God made. He made me the right way, though, because I'd be in so much financial trouble if I could wear an average shoe size. I know I'd have some pointy stiletto heels and sandals in all kinds of designs and colors. Broke but bangin'. Isn't that how a lot of fools live...?

**Why did Black Moon's "Who Got Da Props?" just come on my Yahoo station? '93 was a good ass year for some hip hop! I still remember hearing that song on 88.5 on a Sunday night, long before Hot 97.5 (now Hot 107.9) came along as ATL's first all hip hop station. For all I know, I might have had my first orgasm listening to that song while I was in DC on that high school Howard trip. Just in the middle of a great vibe with black intelligence and superb hip hop..... No, no boy involved. Just good life at that very moment. It's making my head spin to think of that perfect moment with the perfect sample with some good hip hop. **

**Why did Common's "Go" just come on right behind it!?! I love some good hip hop!!! Music excites me, and I don't know what this life would be like without all kinds of good music.**

Back to the regular programming.... So, my friend and I talked for a while after that first conversation about becoming friends. He knows the deal for right now. We're friends and nothing more. He might have rekindled his feelings for me already, but I refuse. I cannot even stand to hear him call me "Sweetie" or "Baby" as he always has. He walked away from his "Sweetie" with no problems with it. That still messes with my mind, but I think we'll be cool friends with some time.

We had some very real talk though. I had time to think of what I had to say to him the next night because I had to work out late at night again, and I came home to shower. In the shower, all kinds of thoughts crossed my mind. One special thought that made sense to me was the idea of he and I in the shower together. Now, I know that sounds contradictory, but follow me! See, I know what kind of chick I am on an intimate level, and I know being in the shower with my man is something I enjoy. I enjoy all kinds of things. Then, I placed me and him (let's call him Beaver because he's awfully eager) in the shower together. I ain't digging that at all! He's honestly never been my type physically because he's much bigger than anything I've ever liked. I like my men with meat on their bones, but I don't want too much, and that's what he's got. Lovely man, but I just see him as a lovely persona. I've never really seen him as a lover. Doesn't personality and values count? Yes, but so does attraction. I don't want to frown at my man at any wedding anniversaires.

So, when I dried off, moisturized, and lit candles all around, I called Beaver back. Of course, he answered damn near immediately. I immediately introduced us to the REAL talk of the evening. The biggest thing I had to say: "For real. Do you think you can really see yourself being cool with someone and possibly falling for them all over again when you know that person may not ever feel the same about you?"

I thought I heard his heart drop. There was definitely an uncomfortable silence for him. "I don't know. That's something I never thought about."

I continued. "Plus, you have to consider the idea that it seems that my friendship and the possiblity of anything more comes with stipulations and conditions. Even I have to say that's not cool." You would think a big girl who was turned down more than once for being full-figured wouldn't do the same thing to a guy, but I know what I like. He doesn't have to lose weight to be my friend, but I know what I like to feel against me, and that's less body than I have.

Beaver sighed and reluctantly said, "Yeah, you're right." I know I'm right. I'm a Leo; it's what we do. But if telling that truth makes me evil, I'll bee dat. I'd rather live by the real than fumble around in the fog of a false fantasy. Beaver doesn't deserve that either. Once again, Beaver is a big dude. I mean that. But he's big in his trunk with some meat on the arms. He got no ass and little legs that are pretty nice. So, he has a very awkward build because you can see his weight all over his trunk. If that's not enough, he also has some bad breath. I have a very low tolerance for bad breath and poor hygience, especially oral hygiene. Those two things have always been issues for me, and I've never made a secret of it. I've never belittled him, but I know what bothers me. Believe it or not, there are people out here that still operate in truth.

I was prepared to accept Beaver's decision to leave me alone if that was his decision. His decision would've made sense because why should he continue to feel anything unconditionally for someone who can't return that? Donald Trump and Ted Turned could tell anyone that's a bad investment decision. With all the work and energy you put in, you're not going to get much back from it. Fortunately, he decided he still wanted to be friends. Honestly, I wouldn't want to keep falling for someone that may never want me, so I don't want the same for him. The funny thing: If he would have never walked away like that, we might have been in a relationship by now. The weekend he chose to walk is the same weekend I chose to take him more seriously because he stuck with me longer than any dude in a while. Why not give it a shot? In a way, he showed me exactly why I shouldn't give him a shot ever.

Now, here's the fascinating part of my life. My heart is just like most women's hearts. I want a man that will worship the ground I walk on, that will tell me that I'm beautiful when I'm not feeling or even smelling my best, and he'll be ready for a commitment. He doesn't have to be every women's fantasy with make your panties wet good looks, a flawless body, and an armful of flowers. I'm not that naive. But if the relationship won't be a fantasy come true, then it cannot be anything like pulling teeth when conversation someway, somehow moves towards relationships or, God forbid, marriage.

** COMMERCIAL BREAK : "Clock With No Hands" by The Roots is pretty cool. (Still listening to Yahoo Radio.) I'm digging the music, and I'm listening to the lyrics trying to figure it out. Who is the songstress? She sounds good. I may have to get this Roots CD. But I said that about "Idlewild", and I'm still digging for classics that I'll play 3 or 4 years later. That CD might make it to someone's used CD store. **

Well, I just met a dude this past weekend. I was walking out towards Dollar Tree (I can get three bottles of Wool Wash or whatever it's called for $3, which is not even close to what you pay for one bottle of Woolite. I may not be flat broke, but my Mama taught me not to spend my money all willynilly when I could save a dime here or there.). He saw me, and I saw him. I kind of looked away because I was on a mission. Well, he was, too. He got my attention, we introduced ourselves, and he gave me his number. I think it took all of 5 mintues. He seems nice and decently attractive, but he's not really my type. But I'm learning not to be so picky, so you never know where you may find love, or at least a good friend.

What's wrong? His damn near worship bothers the shit outta me. Ever notice that you always want the ones that treat you the worst? They don't worry about you, but you sho as hell want some more of it. The attentive ones that put their hearts on their sleeves from Jump Street just turn us off. Isn't that sick? I want attention and devotion, and he seems like he may be halfway for real about it, but he makes my skin bristle. His interest borders on a creepy stalker fan with the funny way he talks. I think that he really believes that crap is sexy.....

What's really crazy? He likes the kind of girl I am - mean. Just mean for no reason. Well, besides being hurt by love or what I thought was love. Good enough reason if I've heard one. Why did he tell me, "I like it. I like everything about you." This man does not know me. Haven't went on a single outing or date...but he likes everything. I'll keep a close eye on this possible nut case.

And what's jacked up? That he's labeled a nut case and not a potential friend or very interested guy. Just a nut case. Maybe it's wrong, but that's my honest perception for now. He's a nut case until proven sane.