The "new 20" is HERE for this young black woman, and the journey is no where near over. A lot of storytelling with some reflecting on myself and relationships, my professional life, getting in shape, and everything else that affects a single 30-something. And I'm so glad the "second puberty" of my 20s is OVA!
It's been an unfortunate while since I've posted, but I've been in the midst of so many things. Like anyone with ears and/or eyes already knows, I earned my CDL. That has become one of my greatest accomplishments to date. However, coming across a great opportunity to use it has not been so easy to come by. Honestly, I'm not being picky and refusing job offers. This economy is so hard that there's drivers with years of experience still looking for work, so it's kinda hard for a newbie to compete against experienced drivers.
On top of that, my husband and I have entered the adult world of house shopping. It's not a euphemism for anything kinky. We're seriously house hunting. Interestingly, I am actually completely on board with this despite my fears that my credit wasn't good enough for a loan and my husband's desire to live in...Decatur. *semi-shudder*
Don't get me wrong or call me a snob. Any person raised on the Southside of Atlanta will easily tell you that Decatur seems more like a different world than another part of Atlanta just 30 minutes away. The difference has always been monumental to a kid like me who likes the laidback feel of College Park compared to the crowded hustle and bustle of the Eastside. But our journey into homebuying has shown me that a nice side of Decatur really does exist. (Trust that I did not look anywhere near Memorial Drive because I cannot shake that stigma for anything.) Plus, there's seems to be an energy in that city. A Hustler's Spirit that extends beyond slanging drugs to reach towards legal dreams of entrepreneurship, moving up the corporate ladder. A Go Get 'Em edge that you cannot ignore and have to acknowledge and respect or be suffocated by. So, whenever we buy, our residence will very likely be in Decatur after all, and we will be infected with that energy.
So, houseshopping, jobhunting, and still growing into my role as a wife and a Christian have consumed my life. Some things that hold a dear place in my heart have temporarily taken a backseat until I can step into the next phase of my life. I refuse to sever any ties because I will return.
But there are three things that have an unbearable hold on me and continue to hold me back. Working at the current job that will not lead to a viable career; knowing that my writing skills take a complete backseat to everything else; and my weight issues. If anyone pays attention to my FaceBook status updates, I'm frequently drowning in a sea of sub-mediocrity. The most rampant offenders remind of those fish and creatures that can only be found with special deep-sea diving equipment, so they have no business being out of water...except to make my whole department so drained that we can only return home each day and just regroup, rest, and return the next day for more tidal waves of tomfoolery.
I feel so spent after each workday that I don't blog or write anything or make any efforts towards self-improvement. Well, except my water aerobics days. But I need more than just those three days to get past this weight that's holding me back. The part that fascinates me is I know what I need to do in terms of eating right and exercising more frequently. It just happens to be difficult to get up the motivation and gumption to do it all because of how deflating and depressing my current work situation is. Sometimes, I feel like there's a smooth silky rope around my neck that feels comfortable at first, but then there's an anchor on the other end of the rope that keeps me in that sea of idiocy. Despite all of the seeming pessimism, my hopes and dreams of moving forward remain. Eventually, I'll get to move forward, but I don't intend to wait too long. Everything will improve with time, so I'm not completely deflated. My hope-filled heart will keep beating, and my dreams will become reality soon enough. I just hope I won't have to wait very long.
Speaking of being uplifted, I found the original "I Am the Black Gold of the Sun" by the psychedelic soul group Rotary Connection which included the incomparable, unforgettable songstress Minnie Ripperton.
Get uplifted, people. Check out the Nuyorican Soul cover from 1997, too.
ROTARY CONNECTION-"I AM THE BLACK GOLD OF THE SUN" (1971) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4DR_NMtBEj4
Nuyorican Soul - I Am The Black Gold Of The Sun (4 Hero Remix) song starts at 0:38 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iIzqQOs_IrI
Excitement sounds like a pretty good word to describe how I feel about the end of the third week of the rest of my life. I should throw in anxious, eager, sore, surprised, (damn near) discombobulated, and spent. That's where some of my classmates are as we're currently learning our backing techniques. Offset backing is a bitch, and I bet her sisters, parallel parking and alley backing won't be nice either.
But taking my life in a brand new direction with my Commercial Truck Driving course far outweighs these initial frustrations. This change is HURGE (yes, big enough for an extra letter) when you consider I'm trying to stay sane while balancing my full-time job and marriage while worried about trying to get healthy. Unfortunately, I have to sacrifice my previous weight loss efforts to balance 40 hours of work, 30 hours of school, and fitting in 5 - 6 hours of sleep. Most days, I honestly don't know if I'm coming or going, but that's the sacrifice I'll make for my sanity in the long run.
Today has a bittersweet element to it. My brother would have been 38. I can't help wondering if he would look at me with surprise, admiration, or confidence at my attempt to seriously pursue the career I've dreamt of since I was 18. Of course he would have some jokes because that's just who he was, and everyone would laugh. Who would have thought his zealous little sister that drove our mom's blue Dodge Dynasty like "Dukes of Dynasty" would want to drive for her career? I don't think he'd believe this same sister that wrecked cars as a hobby and collected speeding tickets like a baseball cards would want to be a professional operator. He'd be cracked up at that career move, but I like to think he'd be impressed that I was choosing a career path outside the box for most women.
My brother made his own interesting choices in his short time here, and I am still making interesting choices in my 31st year. Actually, getting engaged after 3 months of dating, marrying after 6 months of knowing the man, and deciding to pursue a career that takes a woman out of her house and away from her loving husband of one year might be way more than just "interesting". Oftentimes, I can't help noticing he had a family, a home, loads of friends, extreme confidence, and great finances before he was taken too early at 27. I'm still not there at 31, but I'm hoping I can make myself and my family proud in the next weeks and months.
Old school shout out to my brother Eddie Cooler. We'll never forget you EVER. Whenever I hear this song, it makes me think of how cool he always was.
A former colleague once told me I shouldn't put so much reality into my blog. Well, I guess if my entries deal with co-workers, then her advice makes sense. Otherwise, what I type must reflect me and the things in life that are affecting me.
Like the 7.2% unemployment rate and how it's affecting my rationale in the midst of my euphoria before I start my 10-week Commercial Truck Driving course.
Lord knows I have prayed before walking into a job in the past, and I still find myself doing that in my current position at the company I label as "a terrible place in [a suburban area north of Atlanta]". Prayers will definitely cross my lips on Monday when I walk into work after a nice weeklong vacation. More like drag myself through those transparent doors and fighting back tears when I press the up button for the elevator.
More than anything, I want to walk away from that job without a second thought. Just leave behind the insanity disguised as commerce. Well, not all is terrible at my job because I sincerely dig my manager. If it wasn't for her, I would not have taken off the very first week of the year, but she understood why I had to. But even with her being supportive and understanding, I really, really want to leave that place behind. The idea of quietly resigning fascinates me even more as my future in truck driving is only 10 weeks away from being my reality. If the image of me drooling like Homer Simpson at the idea of resigning comes to mind, you're not too far off. Yes, I want to walk out on faith that God will be with me as I study to drive trucks professionally as a full-time student. But reality smacks me in the face when I watch CNN or read articles like the one above or this one about job security. God may want us to walk out on faith in some situations, but I'm sure He doesn't want any of His children to be foolish in this economy. As much as I despise and abhor my job, there are literally thousands (if not millions) of people that would love to sit in my (rather spacious) cubicle, answer the litany of calls and emails from not so bright customers, and earn my rather decent paycheck and benefits. As much as I can't wait to get away from that place, I have to wait and personify the virtue of patience. I must.
After all, the economy has affected so many industries and downsized thousands of employees. Trucking was also affected. So, it would honestly be a decision of tomfoolery to leave now. But I will continue to fantasize about it as I play Megamillions... and endure the next ten weeks of an intense schedule.
will be my year. After all, I made it through 8 years of Bush. If I can survive that with God's blessings, I can survive anything after that. The same is true for any and everybody else. Tears damn near came when I realized the year of Obama had arrived after all the time under Bush.
But so much more is yet to come for me. After all, I ended 2008 by earning my CDL Class A Permit. Truck driving school will start on January 12, and I'll be striving full-steam ahead towards my future and my goals. The road ahead is guaranteed to be interesting with a full-time job and nearly full-time school, but anything worth having will be very much worth this sacrifice. Anticipation is high for the weeks ahead.
In the meantime, I've figured out just some of the things that will rest next to the 2008 stop sign as I keep on truckin' in 2009. Thanks to my homie, "Chyna", for the inspiration.
Procrastinating in developing my relationship with God. My delay has more to deal with the fact that we're always told that God is always there with you. Always. Even if you turn away from Him, He's always there for you whenever you turn back to Him. In theory, you can just hang out in the devil's playground until I start collecting on my 401K. Trifling but honest. I know my relationship with Him can be so much more, especially since He's been so good to me in 2008, so I'm gonna stop putting off my efforts.
Trifling neighbors with no concept of time or courtesy.Hubby and I love the downstairs unit we're renting in a duplex, but it happens to come with ignant PhD. candidates not from the US who just turned off their music at 3:55 AM. I don't know if the cops ever came or not, but they're more ignant than any of the neighbors I had in those shoddy townhouse units my brother, NOPI, and I rented in East Point. Translation: These European kids are more ignant than my ghetto-fabulous black neighbors.
Weight gain. I'm trying to lose right now, but there will be no additional gain.
Tolerating the friends/family that do not have any concern for me
Dispair over the people in my life that don't get me. There's great people that get me for real.
Self-pity and self-doubt
Being stressed by my job...that doesn't get stressed by me
Hubby's hangups that have nothing to do with me. I will not keep banging my head into the wall when I've pointed out the obvious that should dismiss his hangups.
Any of my residual hangups that have yet to be determined
I have about 24 hours left to recuperate from the last 48 hours.
Between being a proud auntie at her salutatorian niece's graduation (beautiful speech), road tripping up and down the interstate, and having the honor and privilege to serve as one of SupaChica's bridesmaids at her beautiful, tasteful, and fun wedding at a very lovely Georgia location, I'm wiped out but content.
By they way, my girl, SupaChica, was absolutely stunning. Her bridal party (Team Bride) was attractive as well. Everyone just looked nice, and everyone was touched by everything. Fascinating fact: almost everyone in the bridal party is married. Impressive.
Now that all is said and done, I almost don't know what to do with myself. There's one other thing I have to do, but it doesn't compare to logging about 500 miles on my car on the weekend with the highest gas prices yet. It was worth it since there were some once-in-a-lifetime events I went to. But I still filled up my tank at a cost of $47.84. *tear*
Today was just like any other day except I felt like being cute on the job. After all, I wore sweat pants yesterday. Dolled up with a colorful yet tastefully done face, I jumped in the car. Damn if I didn't forget the small brush to apply the pot of cream eyeliner... to my eyebrows. Just for definition. I was running late already, so I couldn't turn around and tear my house apart looking for it. *sigh*
I always keep makeup pencils in the car, and the only one remaining was my NYC red lip liner. It's only been on my lips about 10 times in life because I always used the red to create red eyebrows to match my hair. On this occasion, my heart kinda dropped. I had gotten accustomed to the dark brown eyebrows I created. Maybe I just felt more grown up with my not as red hair and my dark eyebrows. Even typing right now, I'm just not digging red eyebrows, especially with this colorful make up.
A redefinition had begun. Red eyebrows equaled a regression. *sighhh*
You should always remember where you came from and what has defined you. I just had stepped away from that like I did so many other things. Evolution, not living in the past.
But revisiting the past for a spell is always hot. That's why my picture has been replaced by a defining graphic. It's not my definition because I never had the image of hard core hip hop head. Just the heart of one. For those that haven't grasped what that image means, peep the video below:
93 Til Infinity Souls of Mischief
1.01.2008
Everything is moved in thanks to my ambitious fiancee and my very, very helpful 17 year old nephew. All that mass and energy came in very handy on Saturday and Sunday, and I'm so glad he was here for me. I'm sure he enjoyed the cash I gave him, too. The cool thing was that he wasn't doing it to make money because money was never discussed. He was just being a nice young man.
So, he's involved for my quality life decisions for the new year. I don't beleive in New Year's resolutions since attending a power Watch Night Service many years ago. We all know that resolutions fall by the wayside usually by February but no later than April. So, I'm making quality life decsions to change how things go in my life. One thing I plan to do is spend more time with said nephew. He's farther away now with the move, but he'll be a HS graduate soon, and he deserves to be taken more and more as an adult by his auntie. I'll give that a shot as he prepares to go off to college in the fall.
This New Years Eve was pretty cool but eventful. My mom, dad, brother NOPI, his girlfriend, her mother, my helpful nephew, my oldest sister with her hubby and three kids, my sis-in-law with the four kids, two family friends, and fiancee and I all gathered at my parents' house to ring in the New Year. We tried to avoid the craziness of drunk drivers and firing guns in drunk revelers hands. Fiancee finally met my eldest sister, and she and hubby approved of their initial meeting.
We started counting down to midnight, and I think I'm the only one that witnesses my brother ask his preggers girlfriend to be his wife. He was shaky as he put the ring on her finger, but he made it happen...while we were screaming, "8! 7!..." Once we calmed down, my sis in law pointed out that NOPI didn't explain the significance of that particular ring. Sis in law composed herself and as she explained that the ring on her finger was the same ring that our eldest brother proposed with many years ago. In honor of his memory and his commitment, NOPI decided to use that same ring. It made NOPI's friend misty, and my eldest sister had to step outside with the emotion, but it was a beautiful sentiment.
This New Year has just been beautiful, and I don't know if I can imagine how much better this year is going to be. After all, I have a great guy that has no shame in preparing a plate of food for me and bringing it to bed for me. What did I do to deserve that?
I'm very much in love with my wonderful fiancee. How did this happen when I never blogged about him? Well...that was the plan. This year, I finally learned some discretion when blogging , and look at the beautiful results. (Um, that ain't us to the left.)
I really don't have time to make one of my usually long posts because we're in the middle of moving in together. (NOTE: I drove a big old Chevy truck to move my first load and was so HAPPY the whole time I was driving. No one else wanted to drive all of that heavy duty metal. Hence, I haven't given up on the idea of truck driving.) Shacking up was never in my plans, but life doesn't always go according to plan. I've always heard that if you really want to make God laugh, then tell him your plans.
I wonder what will happen on the kids front because I've told people for the longest that I don't want kids.
12.10.2007
Vick sentenced to 23 months for dogfighting
RICHMOND, Virginia (CNN) -- Michael Vick, once one of the highest paid players in the National Football League, was sentenced to 23 months in prison for financing a dogfighting ring and helping to kill pit bulls that did not fight aggressively.
Vick's stunning downfall from NFL superstar to disgraced dogfighting defendant culminated Monday in a 90-minute sentencing hearing in federal court in Richmond, Virginia. Vick was dressed in a black-and-white striped prison suit and apologized to his family and to the judge.
"You need to apologize also to the millions of young people who look up to you," U.S. District Judge Henry E. Hudson retorted.
"I am willing to deal with the consequences and accept responsibility for my actions," Vick continued, as about a dozen of his friends and family members looked on.
But Judge Hudson appeared to be unmoved. "I'm convinced it was not a momentary lack of judgment on your part. You were a full partner," he told Vick.
http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/law/12/10/vick.sentenced/index.html I blasted Michael Vick when he first got in trouble because he was experiencing a clear example of bad decision-making. I swear "bad decision-making" must be the overall theme of 2007 that no one seems to escape. Hopefully we can shake that matter in '08.
At this point, there's really no matter of kicking him further. He's already down for the count while facing 23 months in prison - maybe less with good behavior. The man is a shining example of all that can go wrong with one bad decision leading to another and another in a cycle whose viciousness can rival a down and dirty dogfight ending in a mauled animal. Even as he's preparing to do his time, he'll have to face the very real possibility (not necessarily a likelihood) that he won't play in the NFL because no one wants a public relations nightmare because they signed a talented quarterback associated with a violent and disgusting "past-time" like dogfighting. Vick's got enough troubles, so he doesn't need me or anyone else riding him. He isn't at rock-bottom, but he's pretty far down.
Hopefully, he'll see this as a beginning instead of just an end. His life really can turn around from here. He doesn't have to have a place in history as the fastest-falling celebrity. Maybe he'll become a symbol of forgiveness, reflection, insightfulness, growing in your walk with God. Just maybe. There are thousands (probably millions) of people that strongly dislike him, but there's thousands that will support him. Not just as an athlete but maybe as a human being that slipped, fell short of God, but had the god sense God gave him to finally do right and PUSH (pray until something happens) forward.
So many of us should be able to see ourselves in this kind of parallel. I know I've made some bad moves in the past. Who says I'll be done making bad decisions? The bad decision may not be so widely broadcast, but I pray that any of us that makes a bad decision has a support system: Mom, Dad, any relatives, our spouse or lover, life partner, pee wee basketball coach, best friend from elementary school, the matronly church sister with the biggest hats. Anyone that can see past the mistake and bad decision and stand by you.
P.S. I tried to find an image for redemption, forgiveness, faithfulness, regret, etc. Nothing quite worked - not even a cross (because what if Vick finds Buddhism, Judaism, or Islam to be his religious foundation...?).
