Wednesday Wind Down

I got a few minutes before I leave work, so why not use them wisely to blog my life away? Traffic does seem lighter with a lot of schools still out for the Holiday Break, so no need to rush into traffic.

So, enough small talk. It's an understatement to say that I was upset with my family on New Year's Day. I actually had no intentions of seeing or speaking to anyone. I just wanted to go to Barnes and Noble for their 1/2 off calendars, which aren't as attractive or varied anymore (you bastards), and get ready for a good New Years workout. Well, the plans had to change because I checked out the TV schedule and had to realize that there were an assload of college football bowl games coming on that same day. Three games featured three great SEC teams. I had to get this craziness off my chest so I could watch my games with true enthusiasm. (Forget the familial bonds...)

So, I got on the expressway and went towards my parents' house. I make it around the corner and see my Florida cousins. I was hoping to see them one mo' gin. Then, my father comes outside and tries to be cool with me like everything is cool. NOPI comes out seconds later. Damn! My bitch was on auto-pilot!

Dad: "You wanna come with us to Golden Corral for breakfast?"

My big self: "NAW! I ain't going nowhere with you fat disrespectful lying people!"

My cousins had never seen me snap like that, so they didn't know what to do. I said a bunch of mean-spirited stuff that was completely true. Of course, my brother and father were thinking, "You need to get over that," and dismissed my outburst. I let them go on about their business and went inside to visit my mother.

Mama was laid out in bed and looking just so sad. She hadn't heard any of my outburst because she was still laid up in bed. Her back had been bothering her so much. She even left her house full of guests to go upstairs, and she never does that, even when the guests have overstayed their welcome. I sat with her, and we really talked. Talked so much that I told her all of what happened and started crying. No boohooing, no snot, but just my tears and my cracked up words trying to honestly tell the story. I really did try to tell the story without getting upset, but the real emotions of it overflowed.

The realness behind my feeling disrepected is that I don't like people to tease me about my character or my intellect. When I was a kid, I was always told, "You got plenty of book sense but not a lick of common sense." That has always followed me even though I've developed a lot more common sense through experiences, negative and positive. Even worse, don't say anything about my integrity. I'm not a saint, but I think I'm a pretty decent person. Honesty and loyalty are two of my strongest traits, and I don't intend to compromise on those unless necessary. A game of Spades is not a necessary reason to lie about anything, so I'm not having it. When I got made fun of about not playing Spades well because I don't take all kinds of time to strategize or because I don't know when my partner is trying to lie to win (because winning should take skills, not lying), that just pissed me off. I can take being called fat, nappy-headed, and short (but you can't say ugly because that's just a lie), but don't go for the core of who I am.

When my mama took time to talk with me, she hipped me to a lot of stuff that I never knew about her. Stuff from her childhood and adolescence was tough because she has a left hand that didn't form completely. It means nothing to me and my family at all, but she had a hard time with it. She had shared it with me before, but it seemed more powerful on New Years Day. She gave me some great wisdom, too. "You can't go around trying to make everybody like you or love you. If they don't, that's too bad for them. Just keep moving." I can dismiss my sis-in-law because she really irks my nerves too much anyway. I actually like Alien Nation because he's a cool (but psychotic) dude. But who wants to dismiss their brother or dad? I just wanted them to understand where I was coming from.

So, to make the long story short, I ended up telling my side of things 3 times because NOPI and Dad came into the house at different times. My Dad really seemed hurt when I said that I sometimes felt like a stepchild. I actually saw him hang his head a bit as if he thought he had failed as a parent. Everyone tried to reassure me that there were no favorites in the family. Dad even apologized for real (unlike earlier that day) because he could tell I was truly offended, and I was. I know that our making jokes is a form of bonding, but I just didn't want those areas of who I am as a person to be touched. He told me that he honestly didn't want me to feel like a stepchild because it's a lot of pressure on a person to feel like an outsider in a family. I really wanted to ask him how he felt that way because I swear everyone adores him just like they do NOPI, but there might be some things about him I don't know yet.

So to make this longer story shorter, we're a happy family again. I took care of my mom by making her soup and bringing it upstairs. It was more a work of love than just a chore as it had been when I was a kid. I stayed with her while she slept, and when she woke up, I found myself curled up in their queen-size bed next to her. I helped my Dad do dishes. Actually, he started them, I found milk in a glass, and I just took over while he rinsed. My brother finally put those low-profile tires and rims on my car, and it looks pretty cool. Everybody is cool with everybody.

I just had to resolve to never play cards with those people again, especially when they're drinking. Shoot, I might now drink with them fools again either. Alien Nation said he wouldn't talk about me anymore, but he'll let me talk about him all I want. Frankly, I don't want it that way because we have fun when he's calling me fat, and I'm clowning his little ears and his bald spot and his Celie-looking girlfriend. But he probably thinks I'm completely sensitive to anything. We gonna have to have a talk. I just see sis-in-law when I see her.

Off to step practice we go! Gotta eat first, but I'm eating healthy folks. I gotta get dead serious about losing this weight, and I think I've found my way. I'll holla at y'all about that soon.