Why You Wanna?

I haven't talked to Beaver too much these past 10 days. The last time we truly spoke was on last Sunday before Halloween. We went to my parents' house, and Mom was happy to have the company. We tore up the meatloaf, macaroni, crowder peas, and cornbread (always homemade). It was delicious. Later, me and Beaver went downstairs and watched the Flavor of Love Reunion show. He asked me to cuddle up to him, but I was doing some stuff on the computer at the same time. He said he understood, and I planned to go over to him as soon as I wrapped up. Coincidentally, I finished when the show was over, and I went directly to the couch. I laid my big head on his chest, and immediately, Beaver got up so we could leave. Makes as much sense as Dubya delivering an original speech he wrote himself.

While I was on the computer, Beaver asked, "Are you seeing anyone." My simple answer was, "No." I waited a few minutes then asked, "What about you? Seeing anyone?" Beaver says, "Not really, but I got my eye on someone." Being the vain egomaniac I am, I'm hoping that he's referring to me, but I can't guarantee it would be me. Remember, I'm still holding on to hope that he'll come around to doing what is best for us: getting himself together physically so we can be together. Yeah, it's still shallow, but it's what I want, and it should be what he wants so he can spend some time on this planet.

He drops me off, and we talk on the phone later that night. I let out everything that I've been feeling. I kinda want us together, I want him to lose weight and freshen the breath, I know it's shallow, but I pretty much don't want someone else to have him either. I can tell that Beaver is surprised, but the one thing he can't do is confirm that I'm the lady that he's watching because he's seeing if we can be together. Beaver's eye really is on someone else besides me! The audacity of it all! So someone else will be getting his touchy feely, hug you long time hugs?

Hurt isn't the word. It may be closer to heartbroken because I laid my heart and feelings out there on the line for him, and all Beaver could say was, "I'm sorry." He couldn't even give the better sounding reason of, "I'm just not ready for what you want," or, "I'm happy being my out of shape self, and I'm not interested in changing for you or anyone else." Just a sad, simple, "I'm sorry." I couldn't say much else and told him I would speak with him later. I usually just don't end a convo that easily and abruptly but I really had nothting else to say.

So, he called about 3 times that week, and I know one time I pressed "IGNORE" on the cell to send him straight to VoiceMail. I finally talked to him later this week, and I missed him. Bad thing is I still want my cake and wanna eat it, too. He's always been good for me, but he's still much bigger than what I like at all. I can't play myself like that, but I feel like New York from "Flavor of Love" because I let him back in after I shut the doors, so I kinda played myself anyway.

I haven't given up on men, and I don't think I will. I think I seriously need a break from the fellas. Heartbreak, rejection, and regret are some big bitches, and I don't wanna go toe-to-toe with them again because my bitchy ways may not be able to compete. Damn this love stuff.