Is it playing around or settling?

Saturday was pretty easy but especially eventful. Thanks to NOPI coming in from work, I woke up around 5 am and never went back to sleep until much later. I stayed up, cleaned a bit, and got out of the house around 7:30 to run errands. Yes, I made it out of the house to recycle a lot of materials stashed away a corner of the kitchen, drop off a suit and skirt for dry cleaning, pick up groceries, and buy 9 gallons of delicious, purified water. (30 cents ain't bad because that tap water is the pits.)

I almost wanted to throw myself at a guy in the grocery parking lot. He had a nice height and build, dressed conservative yet funky and stylish, and a beautiful smile accented by a neat goatee. Talk about a caramel delight.... I smiled because I was proud to have so much accomplished by 9 am, and he smiled to ask about the smile. I continued pushing those gallons to the car, but I had a classic "shoulda, woulda, coulda" moments: I shoulda told him he had a beautiful smile, nice hat, something. Instead, I gushed about my pride in my accomplishments, yet I had too much pride to put myself out there and give a compliment to a deserving brother. Maybe I'll return to that grocery store next Saturday morning although I usually fly past the neighborhood store to shop at the huge national chain. Instead of sulking, I had to rush home to meet the electrician because the breaker box had some sizzling action and sparks behind the switches. (Everything turned out fine, but I still had to cancel my trip to see my family in Middle Georgia.)

I already know what really held me back. Yes, I'm a little shy sometimes, and I was especially shy because he was talking to an older gentleman in the parking lot, too. I didn't need a witness to my possible embarrassment from a possible rejection. What really did me in was the fact that he works at the grocery store. Not the manager but possibly working stock or registers. Am I too good to date someone employed by a grocery store? I'd say no because guy seemed really nice, and at least he's working an honest job instead of walking around in an oversized white tee (more like a dress) because his life's ambition is being fulfilled as a trap boy. BTW, working in the trap can't be shit because I don't see the glamour in standing in the weather to sell drugs, and you might not have a car to get into later. Damn wannabe thugs get on my nerves. But I digress.... It's always criminal for a sista to analyze a brotha and automatically determine that a brotha is not for her for whatever reasons. Whether it's height, weight, location, money, car, his style, his occupation, or even his 5 kids by 4 women. Let a sista decide that a dude won't cut it, and she's a gold digger, opportunist, or just a bitch. If knowing what works for me in being with a guy, then I'll definitely be that bitch.

Like with my friend, NutCase, the guy who really adores me. He's nice enough, but he tends to take a lot of my shit for no good reason. For some women, that's just the dude to fit a selfish agenda. For moi, that's exactly why NutCase and I can't be a couple. I don't want a guy that I can walk all over any time I feel like it. He doesn't stand up for himself, and I can say just about anything I want. Honestly, I need a man that I know can handle my mighty mouth and will put me in my place or at least will tell me to be quiet or shut up when necessary. If he can hndle me, he can probably handle other things in life that a man should be able to take care of. Whenever I speak to NutCase, I have such hope that he'll have something mature, intelligent, or substantial to say, and it usually doesn't happen. It's as if he's scared to say the wrong thing or look bad in front of me.

This acquaintance reminds me of Niles Crane's fantasies about Daphne Moon on one of my favorite shows, "Frasier". Niles always loved Daphne and finally got his chance with Daphne several years later. Once they were a couple, Niles was still caught up in his perfect image of Daphne. He made her out to be so perfect that he couldn't bring himself to be intimate with her, as if he didn't want to break the fantasy. Once it was figured out, Niles ID'd some flaws in Daphne, she did the same, they fought a little, but they made up...for real made up. Finally, Niles is having coffee with his brother Frasier, and he shares that they've finally made love, and it was nothing like he dreamed it would be, but it was better.

The point: I think NutCase is doing something similar like that with me. I think he has a fantasy of how great it would be for us to be a couple because he thinks I'm so attractive, smart, and funny. That's nice, but it really turns me off that he cannot focus on presenting himself. What he's presenting cannot be the real thing, and it sho as hell betta not be "the representative" because his rep would be beyond wack, but I'm starting to see signs of who he really is. Every now and then, he'll show that he has knowledge and opinions of some things such as Swiss watches and football. Usually, he's too childlike for me. That's disturbing because he has a pretty nice body. 5'11", light complexion slightly darker than mine but not "redbone", huge arms, thick, muscular legs, and a playground tummy which I really don't mind because I like meat on a man. So, a big child is being presented in that man's body. Not the inner child, but a child who will often hear me say, "Stop whining," and his immediate response in a whiny voice is, "I'm not whining." Sounds about 7 years old to me. BTW, I still can't make these things up.

Now, despite these issues, we've made it to the bedroom. Not because this will be the way to make him fall in love with me and value the great woman I am. I'm not digging him in an "Always and Forever" type way, so it's strictly physical. Even if I was seriously contemplating a relationship, we wouldn't have slept together yet. But now that we have, I'm a slight bit hooked on his member, but not him. Nothing wrong with a cut buddy, and nothing wrong with the member at all. NutCase's member makes me think of a t-shirt that an ex-boyfriend would wear, and the ex really didn't have the true justification for a shirt that reads: "The Man [arrow above the words pointing to the head]" and "The Legend" [arrow below the words pointing to the other head]. Now, NutCase...he's justified. I thought he was lying just to be saying that he was well-endowed, but he's not. Not at all. It's almost scary to look at his "friend". It's definitely scary to think of taking all of what he has, but he knows how to use it without trying to "beat it up" like the songs say. I'd be lying if I said my girl didn't like his man. We have to work on the kissing, but he's willing to learn what I like, and he wants to do what I want done to me. I love it! I can only imagine what the future will hold. I've never felt so good on top in my 29 years. Whew!!! And it's Leo on Leo....wow.

But does this mean that I'm playing around to pass the time because I know something else is coming around in the future, or if I decide to take him seriously and consider a relationship, would I be settling? At least sex is out of the way, and I know that I'm not settling there. But sex does not make a relationship that could lead to marriage, children, and a serious lifetime commitment. I look at him and everything I know about him, and I still want to know more because he really is a decent guy for the most part, but I'm keeping hope alive that he'll tighten up. Maybe he really does want to leave his job as a stock person at Publix (there's that grocery thing again) and ultimately get a CDL, just the way I want to. Maybe he doesn't understand that he's whining and he doesn't want that behavior to rub off on his 1 year old son. (A 30 something child raising a child...can you imagine?)

I'm holding on to hope that I won't be superficial and will be able to see past his present situation and occupation if I consider a relationship with him. I want him to see past this image he seems to have built up for me to be perfect. He knows that I can be a mean witch, but he knows I have a sweet, giving side because he loved my chili and homemade cornbread Saturday night. While I'm having more hope than Jesse Jackson can inspire, I'll gladly take my cut buddy for a few more rounds.