Damn, I'm flawed

I'll be the first to admit that I think highly of myself. If you don't hold yourself in a high regard, why should anyone else? So, while I've never defined myself as perfect, sometimes I feel slightly above average in that respect. After all, I did make the great decision to go to UGA, and I'm being loyal although we lost to those damn Vols. *sigh*

Never mind SEC football for now. *GASP!* I have to go a little deep now. I don't usually go deep because I'm really not one to go deep into my emotions. And that's a really big flaw that I discovered today because of Beaver. It's a long story.

See, I decided it would be okay if we tried to be friends again. He wanted it, and I really missed his friendship, so I was glad to give it another shot. But I was wary all the while. I knew that he was quite capable of leaving on a whim as a form of self-defense because I didn't want to be evil and say, "I love you," just because he said it first. I had a love for him as a friend, but it wasn't the same burning need for a commitment love that he felt. Knowing that it was possible I may never feel the same, I had to keep my eyes open while opening my heart to him again. Just to see what he would do. But should I hold on to the past if we're moving forward? You shouldn't hold on to the emotions of what happened, but you should digest the meat of what happened and get some sustenance from it so you learn the lesson and grow.

So, things are going decent for me and Beaver. I even told him about NutCase being pretty wack to me. So wack that I really am not interested in going out with him for a free lunch or dinner because it would drain my intellect and spirit to be with someone so needy so early that he can't express anything except his attraction to me. It's pathetic, and I see why some guys never call some women back when they're so obviously interested. Wow...I see what happened with me and my April "friendship".

But I start to notice things. As if I'm looking for trouble, but I truly feel that I was not looking for it. I just kept my eyes open because I'm quite observant. I can run my mouth with the best of them, but I pay attention to everything. So, I start adding up what I have observed. Although Beaver has remained consistent with his compliments like calling me beautiful and funny, his lack of actions are screaming way more than anything he could vocalize. He wants to get together with me but doesn't put forth real effort to get together, but it's a smack in the face when he can call me from his ex wife's house or he can let me know he's hanging out with his folks. It's more like a punch in the chest like that game the boys would play in middle school. Don't let Donnell catch Keon slipping with his chest exposed, or it would be BLAWWWWW! right to the chest with Keon doubled over and rubbing his chest swearing, "You punch like a bitch."

But how can someone you're not interested in affect you so much? It sounds like a relationship! That's what Beaver said tonight. We had to talk after the evil message I left for him on Sunday night.

See, late Sunday night, I was thinking over the idea he had in a conversation we had on Wednesday. He knew I was still irked about him hanging with his ex-wife when he made no time for me on that particular Sunday. So, he wanted to make it up to me. It was his idea to try to hang out on the following Sunday because he already knew I was busy on Saturday (until SuperChica had to be with her man - can't hate on that). So, I didn't hold my breath just hoping he would come correct and call me to say, "Hey, you hungry?" or "Let's do something." I was hoping something would happen because I didn't want to prove that I exposed my heart even in the smallest way just to have him punch all over it again. His absence (combined with the end of the April affair) made me cover up the heart, but to gain anything in life, you have to take chances. Maybe befriending him again would be good for my soul. I knew about Beaver's issues after he told me, so why not be cool with him again. We might even get back to where we were before.

Well, Sunday comes and it's almost passed by without a word from him. Hmm...so he could call and rub in my Bulldawg's loss and he could ask me to come meet him at Taco Mac in Decatur on Saturday night, but he couldn't reach out to come see me? Sounds like a relationship again right? No...it's more like he and I agree that he fucked up on Memorial Day to bounce, so it makes perfect sense to me that he should put in some work to be completely cool with me again: he should go out of his way to see me - even for just a few minutes. Now, he did reach on Wednesday, but by the time he got out of class, I would be at the gym working out because I gotta be fine in September, so I was committed to myself. But his actions after Wednesday just seemed that he wasn't committed to making things better between two friends after all the craziness of this year. That pissed me off.

So, he had to know I was done. I left one message that just stated I was through. He called back and requested some dialogue because he was confused. I didn't talk, but it was fair to let him know what my deal was. So I called him 4 hours later, but he didn't answer after 3 attempts. Good job. (And he's heard that sarcasm very recently.) So my second frustrated voicemail went something like this:

"I've called you three times, and you're still not available. Your actions just go to prove my observations and conclusions to be correct about you. This is the second Sunday where you didn't do anything with me even though you said you wanted to. So, this makes you a hypocrite because you get mad when I'm not available but you don't make yourself available to me, even for just a few minutes. So, not only are you a hypocrite, but you're also a liar. I can't stand to deal with liars, and I'm pissed off about that. So, you do me a favor: lose my number. You have no obligation to call me back. I bid you good luck in whatever you pursue in this life, but I won't be a part of it."

So, I hung up the phone and felt confused but better. I wanted things to work out between us as friends because he really has a cool personality (except liking that damn Chicken Noodle Soup). But I guess deep down I was holding out to see if maybe we could reconnect in some way beyond friendship. I think it was more for my selfish ego to see that he couldn't be without me and couldn't resist his need to not fall in love with someone who might not ever love him back. Regardless, it's a done deal, and I fall asleep around 12:30.

I hear my phone because I'm thinking it's my alarm. I have to set my cell phone alarm at least twice, then I have to set both alarms on my alarm clock because I swear I never hear the first alarm, so I set a second for 30 minutes later. I look at my phone to shut it up, but it's actually Beaver calling me at 5:13 am. I ignore it and actually turn the phone off. When I officially woke up, I thought that the better move would have been opening the flip phone and immediately closing it back. I've done it before with other guys, so what would put me above it now? Well, a need for more sleep. That was it.

I checked my phone later and he left a message. Beaver was pissed with me for not having that dialogue. He told me he'd forget my number alright, but where's the money I owed him because it's been a minute? He's got a point, and I'm not the shady person to not pay someone back. I've been burned by personal loans, so I won't do anyone like that.

My brilliant idea: I leave a voicemail of my own informing him that if he sends me an account number like he's done before, I'll deposit the money in his account this Friday and the following Friday.

Meanwhile, I gotta make some bread so I can buy some more healthy food. I get clean, clean the apartment up a bit, make some breakfast and coffee, and bounce to the job. It's a hard day because the system's slow for unknown reasons. Everyone is frustrated as the IT department works hard to get us up to speed. So, with all the frustration, Beaver doesn't cross my mind.

Until it slows down a bit. I couldn't wrap my mind around why someone would literally beg for a second chance but when he gets the second chance, he acts the damn fool. Just ignoring me. Then, I remember he says he has a way of sabotaging things for himself. It just hits me in the 7 pm hour. So, I send a text message:

"It just hit me Y U refused 2 still do right by me: self destruction or self sabotaging as you call it. That's 2 bad. Can U confirm if U got my msg & if terms R cool?"

Beaver calls immediately, but I'm busy at work. Nice lady, but she kept me on the line for 23 minutes! I said I'd call him back, and we eventually got a good chance to talk.

More like shout and get more ticked with each other. He told me he didn't still didn't understand my problem when I said it in clearer English in the voicemail. The shit wasn't justified to him. And it was really pissing him off.

"We arguing like we in a relationship, but it's not! So what's the point? And it still don't make no sense!" For a second, I almost felt like Beaver was on the verge of tears, more from anger and frustration than sad over the demise of anything.

"So my feelings make so sense to you? I'm telling you that I reopened a wound to let you back in, and you still don't hang with me! That's what's got me pissed off! How would you feel if it had been me that had suggested let's hang out, but I never call you, and when you finally hear from me, I tell you about who else I've been out with? Wouldn't that bother you?" Unknown to Beaver, this is exactly the same kind of stuff my first love took me through. Always telling me about his girlfriend, then another girlfriend, but my first love knew I was crazy about him, so much that I already knew I wanted to make pretty chocolate babies with him (and I'm just as red as can be).

Beaver's voice goes louder. "Hell naw that shit wouldn't bother me because we're just friends. If you were my fiancee, my girlfriend, my wife, year that would bother me, but we're just friends! That's why this shit don't make no damn sense!"

Aww that shit infuriated me! "You don't comprehend that I reopened a wound to let you back in to my life after May 31? You don't comprehend the wounds involved in this?"

Beaver shouts, "Rules? What rules? Now you making up shit!"

"No. Wounds. Like sores, scabs, injuries."

Just a little quieter: "Oh. I didn't hear you clearly, but I still don't get it either."

I've got to figure this out. Now that he's on the hone, I can't just give up on making him understand my point of view. Besides, I know I'm right because my feelings are involved in this. Then, a lightbulb finally goes off.

"Beaver, I think you're forgetting one key piece before May 31. Follow me on this, and then you're understand."

"Okay."

"Remember when you left without a word on May 31?"

"Yes, I remember May 31."

"Do you remember what I told you happened before May 31? About a week before May 31?"

A little quiet from Beaver. "No, not really."

"I told you that after all of the time I had known you, I decided that I might need to take you a little more seriously because you had been there for me through all kinds of craziness. You stuck around more than anyone, so I thought I should open my mind and heart to you a little more. Remember me telling you that after you came back around after Labor Day?"

"Hmmm...yeah. Now, I do."

"So my opening up to the idea of us being friends again is like reopening a wound that was almost healed but not quite all the way. I was taking a chance after being hurt because you made me really feel that you really cared about me. Why else would you call me so much and make so much effort to get back good with me again? But when you don't make any effort, time, energy for me, then it's almost like your slapping me in the face again and it looks like you really don't care at all. So that would make me wrong again, not so smart after all, and just as hurt as I was before. All because it seems like you just don't care at all."

TO BE CONTINUED...